Emma Watson VS Evil Dead
by Virtual-Waster
Summary: Emma Watson goes for a vacation with her friends up to a cabin in the woods, little do they know what might happen...


Emma Watson VS Evil Dead

Life was good if you were Emma Watson, star of the Harry Potter movies, future star of Beauty and The Beast and all round nice person. It was impossible to even be that beautiful and still carry the grace that she was carrying right now. She was also carrying the dismembered corpse of her old university friend, but, we'll go into that later...

For the purpose of this being an AU fan-fiction (And to stop my stupid ass getting sued), we are going to go back to an alternate reality 2015, six months ago, more importantly. It has just been announced that Emma is due to play Belle in the remake of Beauty, life has been nothing short of hectic for her, so the chance of going to a summer retreat for the week with some of her old uni buddies is too good an opportunity to miss.

Except, isn't that how most tongue in cheek, badly written, horror comedy fan fictions begin?

The first sign should have really been the toothless hill-billy that tried to warn Emma and her friends to stay away from the cabin in the woods, but hey, what is a horror without ignoring the weird toothless guy? So, map bought, the five continued on in Steve's car, heading onward to the cabin.

(We're calling him Steve, but that's just so he can have a name, he's mostly fodder and will have little to no character development)

"So, Em, aside from being successful and well loved by pretty much everyone, how is life treating you?" Steph said, looking over at Em, in the back seat while also wondering if she was going to meet the same fate as Steve.

"Oh, it's treating me pretty cool, I guess, hectic as hell though if I'm honest. They're telling me I gotta learn to sing for this Disney part too, well, you've heard me sing"

Steph laughed, patting her friend on the shoulder, the lights now beginning to fade as dusk began to settle in. Listening to the conversations going on in the car, Emma couldn't help but smile, it had been a long time since she'd gotten a break from work, and there was nothing like spending it with friends, even if they were going to be dead by dawn.

Arriving at the cabin (and missing out the super important bridge scene, yeah, I'm unoriginal), the five friends took their limited supplies and walked through the door of the fateful cabin that was to cause them more misery than 50 Shades of Grey causes this author. Emma's room was a quaint little room, straight out of Little House on The Prairie or some shit like that, decorated with a nice little bedside cabinet, a basic wardrobe, a nice little bedside lamp, a stuffed deer head and a shotgun.

Sitting down at the table in the main cabin, Emma was not shocked to see that two of her friends, Scott and Dave, were already passing round the alcohol and drugs. Just pot, but still the recipe for a potential night of debauchery or even disaster, Emma instantly told herself that she would not be smoking any of that tonight. A few drinks would be in order though, so walking over to the kitchen, she took a bottle of Bud from the case, taking the first massive sip and enjoying that feeling that that first mouthful always gave you before regulating herself to smaller sips, after all, it wasn't like there wasn't an endless supply of alcohol. That's right, they were always thinking ahead, these guys.

"Fuck yeah! Check out this creepy book!" Came a holler from the study, it was Scott who had gone off on a wander after finishing his doobie. "It looks like a fuckin' demon. Quick, get Hermione, she'd know what to do" Emma sighed at this, it wasn't like it had been the first time she's been called Hermione by little kids or anything, but Scott was 25 years old and still believed that Hogwarts was real, mind you, he also believed the WWE was real, so it hardly amazed Emma that he was this dense.

"Read it, Hermione, it's in Greek so you should have no trouble" He said as the friends gathered around the book, Scott opening the first page. An ISBN number! Well, no one could have predicted that. That was when the real shit began, after the dedications and the foreword, there was what could only be described as some of the darkest shit ever, pictures of all kindsa gross stuff, seemingly written in blood, captioned with words that looked to be a very ancient dialect.

"Scott, I can't read that, for one, my name's Emma, not Hermione, I'm not really a witch and I studied English Lit. in uni"

The simple fact was, and as a more sensible plot device than the film I'm ripping off here, none of them could read it, which would have probably seen this story end on a much happier note, however, Scott messed that up as well, spotting something on the last page.

"Hey check it out, you can order it on ebook and audiobook format, I can get it downloaded to my phone within an hour too! Sweet"

Before anyone could say anything, Scott had already ordered it on his smart phone and just like that, within the hour, there'd been a shiny new copy downloaded onto his phone. Listening to the transcriptions, all five of them were kept quite oblivious of the noises outside the cabin, caused by the "Evil Dead" that now seemed to be rushing about like a crazy person, trying to force it's way into the cabin. Shit was about to go down and none of them knew about it.

Thinking nothing of it, all five went back into the main room and Emma went and got herself a second beer, being offered another toke of the joint, she politely declined. The next time though, she thought "fuck it! What harm can it cause?" And took Scott up on his offer, taking a drag and immediately nearly coughing up her insides. Then, the night turned to talk of strip poker and then further naughtiness as Steve decided to turn his attention to our titular heroine (HAHA, I made you all say tit).

On her fourth beer and deciding she quite liked the attention she was getting, Emma decided to play along with Steve, flirting harmlessly with him and deliberately getting a little closer to him, just to see how he would react, more than anything. That was when the night pretty much went to shit as whatever evil was in the neighbouring forest had decided it had got a little chilly and decided to make the cabin it's home. Rushing headlong at the door, the evil built up speed, still making the weird noise it was known for.

!BANG!

"What the fuck was that?" Emma said, as Steve jumped backwards.

So, the evil had failed on the first attempt of getting in and would no doubt have a painful head in the morning, reversing up, it went for another go.

!BANG!

Fuck this! The evil thought to itself as it climbed into the car, revving up and crashing straight through some of the front of the cabin. The five friends falling about all over the place out of shock and fear. Then, just as quick as that, Steve was possessed and was making his way towards Emma, saying some of the most disgusting things he could ever think of saying.

"Emma! How's it gonna feel to be sucking cocks in Hell for all eternity?!"

Scott, taking instant offence for his friend, jumped toward Steve, but, he was too fast, turning toward Scott and punching him square in the nose before rounding on him, succeeding in pulling off three of his friend's fingers and eating them, before spitting them back out in disgust, his face now so disfigured that he wasn't even recognisable. Emma, quick thinking, ran to her bedroom, grabbing the shotgun. Hopefully the fucker was loaded.

"Hey Steve! I'd rather you sucked, eurgh, I can't believe I'm saying this...cocks...in Hell, so, thanks for the offer, but I'm gonna politely decline" Emma said, drawing the attention of the Deadite possessed former Steve, blasting him square in the chest with a shotgun blast, flinging herself backwards from the recoil and smashing her head against the wall. Seeing what was left of her friends suddenly going fuzzy, she mustered all of her concentration to not pass out as Steve rose again, a large gaping hole in his chest.

Struggling to get up, all the while fingering for the gun, Emma had begun to dread the worse as Steve neared her, the gunshot wound seeming to only really slow him down a little but then Scott, who obviously wasn't happy with just losing three of his fingers, jumped forward again, getting his arms around Steve's body and holding on for all his life. This gave Emma just enough time to get up, gun in hand again and trigger finger just a little itchy.

"Hey Steve, welcome to Hell, bitch!" Emma yelled as Steve threw the hapless stoner over his shoulder before looking up, making his way toward her again, however, it was too late as she pulled the trigger, this time aiming just high enough to blow his head clean off, blood cascading everywhere, including over Em, who fell back in shock, wiping whatever blood she could off of her face before promptly throwing up. Steph and Dave running over to assist both her and Scott, who was in desperate need of band aids, or maybe doobie, he couldn't tell which.

"Don't worry about me" Emma said as she ran her hand against the back of her head, finding a substantial amount of blood. "I can deal with myself, find some bandages or something for Scotty". Thankfully, the two other friends listened to her instructions as she then went looking around the cabin, hoping to find some new shotgun shells. Reaching the kitchen, she began to feel a little weird. Stumbling against one of the cupboards, she felt the back of her head one more time before passing out, smashing her head once more off of one of the work surfaces.

As Emma made her way out of the kitchen, dizzy and groggy as hell, Scott, who had now been fully possessed, in spite of his friend's efforts, came at her straight away, gnawing at her wrist. She screamed in agony as she could feel each sinew tearing under the demon's teeth, then as it hit bone and Emma felt herself ready to pass out, she punched it once in the head, it's teeth clawing in enough to separate the bone. As a fresh blood spray aimed across the room, this time Emma's. Her hand separated from the rest of her arm and the demon threw her across the room, her bloody stump impacting the wall as it did so, fortunately, her friends were on hand to at least provide some distraction as she dragged herself to the outside area, clutching what was left of her wrist, trying to stem the blood flow.

Emma made her way to a nearby cabin, strong enough at least to crawl her way a little faster as she did so, and what she found was a veritable smorgasbord of joy, duct tape to cover up her gory stump of an arm, more shells than she could have even dreamed of and, more importantly, a chainsaw! Ripping out the insides of it, she began to work away on a rudimentary arm propelled weapon, her teeth would pull the ignition if needed and then, well? This was about to go down real hard.

Full of more painkillers than any woman should handle, not to mention more deep fried beans (cold, by the way) than any woman should also handle, Emma made her way back to the cabin, where she heard some truly guttural noises, had they all now been possessed?

Slamming the door down, she looked into the room to find that all of her friends, or what had become of her friends, were now looking at her, all of their faces disfigured, All of Scotty's fingers were now missing and Steph was missing an eye...Dave looked to be fine, other than the fact that he had no legs and was now dragging himself toward Emma. Emma took the cord in her mouth and with one final cynical look at her friends, she pulled back with all her might on the cord.

!Nothing!

Well, this was getting hopeless as Dave neared her, pulling back on the cord with her teeth again, she smiled.

!Nothing!

His arm was now on her leg and he was about to sink his teeth in as she pulled one last time.

"Emma used Chainsaw"

"It was Super Effective!"

As saw clashed with bone, Dave found himself screaming as the saw tore into his skull, tearing away at his brain until he could finally think no more, Emma now using the blade with deft ease, slicing him to bits as the blood flew over her face, her sick grin only becoming more demented with each stroke through with the saw.

"HAHAHAHA" Emma laughed as she left the body behind, walking further into the cabin as Scott and Steph, both now fully possessed, looked at her with evil intents. Emma looked down at her Shotgun and as she smiled, she brought the chainsaw down on to both it's barrels, cutting both off. Looking up at both of them, she said one word.

"Groovy!"

Well, to say that the next five minutes were a bit of a blur was an understatement as Emma first blew both shells into Scott's mouth, smiling evilly as the blood splattered all over her face and the rest of the cabin, that'd teach the fucker to bite her hand off! Then, Steph's hand was around her friend's throat, pinning her against a wall as the shotgun flew out of Emma's hand. Ripping the chainsaw off of her hand as well, Steph spoke, well, growled.

"JOIN US!"

Steph went to bite Emma's throat but was met instead with a duct taped stump straight to the nose, then again and again as Emma began laughing again, having been driven completely mad by the events of the night, smashing her friend's face in and causing the tape to rip, Emma's wrist beginning to bleed profusely again as she smashed into skin, then skull, then finally brain matter, Steph's messy pulp of a face dropping to the floor as Emma fell to her knees, smiling at finally finishing this nightmare. Now it was time to bury what was left of her friends and hope that whatever had been in the cabin wasn't also out in the woods as well.

Three hours later and it was done, a nice cross that Emma had made now stood at the grave of her friends, part of her lamenting that she'd had to do all this in the first place. It was over.

(Yeah right)

Suddenly, just as Emma was about to reach the cabin door, something took ahold of her and rushed through the forest with her, spinning her around and upside down and making her vomit down herself again, before finally smashing her back first into a tree, Emma slumping down, her face falling into a puddle of murky bog water, seemingly being held down by an invisible force. Emma was screaming as she could feel the life force leaving her slowly through each forced breath, murky water filling her lungs as she struggled against the force that was holding her down. It was hopeless though...

"Just call me angel, of the morning angel"

Emma's alarm, set to radio mode, woke her with a shock, she was back in bed in her house. Jumping up with a scream, the first thing she did was checked her hand, yep, it was still there, wowzers, what a weird dream.

Getting up, still very disoriented and still very creeped out by the events of her dream, she went about her morning business, brushing her teeth and making sure her hair was done for her appearance at the convention later. Cons were never easy but this one, San Diego, was the toughest of them all and she was there to promote Beauty and The Beast itself. Her thoughts kept drifting back to what she had said to Steph in the dream, what the heck was that even about?

Later at the convention, everything was going brilliantly, people seemed to love her even more and she even met Bruce Campbell himself, although she wasn't quite sure why she felt so compelled to meet him.

(Shameless cameo plug there guys, but hey, I'm already gonna get a cease and desist for pretty much everything else anyways, what's another litigation?)

Then came the time for the panel she was part of, well, it was going swimmingly, questions were being asked, promises were being made and Emma was loving her experience, loving it a damn sight more than being stuck in the cabin with Deadites, anyway.

"We have a question for Miss Watson"

Emma nodded to acknowledge this, pointing out the person in the crowd.

"Miss Watson...JOIN US!" It screamed as it's face changed, well, that was probably the most predictable moment in this story, even Matt Murdock saw it coming. It leapt toward her, but Emma was already fumbling under her table, bringing out a double barrelled, sawn off shotgun.

"You know? I had a feeling you were gonna say that!, Well, Hail To The Queen, Baby!" She screamed as she unloaded both barrels on it, the Deadite falling to the floor as the assembled crowd began to scream in terror and blind panic. Standing up on the table, Emma raised her shotgun into the air, speaking out loudly to the assembled crowd.

"My name is Emma Watson, THIS, is my boomstick! You allow this to do the talking and we'll all be fine" She said as she loaded the next two shells in to the gun, another Deadite now jumping toward her, only to be met by a barrage of gunfire as well. She barely had time to reload the next two shells as another Deadite leapt at her, ready to sink it's teeth in as then, suddenly, it fell to the floor as another shotgun blast went off. Looking over, she saw him, Bruce Campbell, except he wasn't wearing the red suit and tie she'd seen him in before, he was clad in a blue, torn shirt and brown cords and on the end of his arm, was a chainsaw. As the two of them continued ridding SDCC from Deadites, he called over.

"Name's Ashley, Ashley J. Williams, oh and by the way, it's HAIL TO THE KING, BABY, don't get any ideas about stealing my catchphrase!"

THE END?

Ash and Emma will return in Ash and Emma VS The Innsmouth Horror!


End file.
